


Learning Love Means Not To Know

by howardently



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Morning After, post season two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 12:23:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18691438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howardently/pseuds/howardently
Summary: They wake up together on the first morning after.





	Learning Love Means Not To Know

**Author's Note:**

> Title courtesy of the song "Wings" by Haerts.

It’s snowing the first time he wakes up in her bed.  


It’s still early, and the winter sun has just begun to bleed into the room, lightening the darkness from black to inky navy instead. She’s luminous in the bed beside him, her pale skin seeming to glow faintly, as if she’s lit within by some otherworldly source. The moon, maybe. It’s still and silent, no movement or noise. It heightens his sense of surrealness, like none of this is trustworthy. There’s always noise when they’re together, music or laughter or her voice. Without it, this might very well be a dream.  


He comes to awareness in slow, slinking steps, and if it wasn’t for her lying there, he’d almost certainly be lost to sleep. But she’s there, and he can look at her. So he fights against it, just to look.  


Her hair is a mess around her, loose and tumbled over her shoulder, across her neck. Her cheeks are pink even in sleep, her mouth open in a perfect pout. And her skin… her skin is something he has no words for. His fingers tingle with the desire to touch her.  


Last night had been epic. Well, okay, it was a bit awkward in parts. A little shaky in the beginning, a little fumbling. He’d finished too fast and had to get her there with his hands and his mouth on her neck. The sounds she’d made, her slickness, her scent… they’d tried a second time. He’s not sure if she came then either, but she definitely seemed to enjoy it, if her words and her flushed chest had been any indicator.  


Still, epic. He’s never slept in a girl’s bed before, never had sex like that. It’s always been a quick grab and go for him, in the back of his dad’s car, a living room sofa in the afternoon sun, a back bedroom at a party. Never like that, never slow and deliberate. Never so heavy with emotion, with longing and love. He’s never touched like that, been touched like that.  


Truthfully, it’s sort of terrifying. This thing with Rae, his feelings for Rae, pretty much always have been. He’s so up in his own head about it- in a lot of ways, it feels like their relationship is almost entirely internal.  


But today, today it gets to be real.  


He watches her, the rise of her chest, the way her breath stirs a hair hanging over her face. He smiles as he reaches tentatively to shift it off her face. He barely touches her, just the faintest brush of two fingers against her cheek, but Rae stirs anyway. She mumbles something unintelligible, brings a hand near her face, blinks sleepily.  


“Hi.” She says after a few more drowsy blinks and resettling against her pillow. She smiles over at him, that small smile she only ever gets when she’s really pleased. He grins back, wonders what kind of expression he’s wearing. What does your face look like when you’ve just woken up with the girl you’ve been obsessed with?  


“Hey.” His voice comes out soft, warm, a caress.  


Rae slips her hand across the sheets and places it on top of his. He leans up on an elbow so he can lift their joined hands to his mouth for a kiss.  


She blushes, and it’s so lovely it makes something in his chest heat up painfully. He places her hand back down and brushes her hair back, bends to kiss her, gentle and quick.  


“Mornin’.” He can tell this smile is besotted, but he’s too happy to care.  


Rae’s eyes go wide. “Shit, we fell asleep. Is your dad gonna be flippin’ out? You didn’t come home.”  


“Nah,” he lies easily, “he’s cool about stuff like that.”  


There’s no way his dad is going to be cool about it. He’s going to have to listen to at least four lectures about responsibility and maturity and his hair all falling out. He could get the bollocking of his life and it wouldn’t matter enough to touch this moment.  


Rae bites her lip, eyes still huge and shining. He kisses her again, because she’s here and he’s here and her skin is also here and he can.  


“What about your Mum?” He asks, settling back onto his side, brushing her hair away so he can place his palm against her neck. She’s so soft there, so warm. He never wants to stop touching her neck ever again.  


“Oh God.” Rae groans. “She’ll totally lose it if she finds out you’re here. We’d better be quiet.” Her eyes glitter mischievously, eyebrows lifting as she bites her lip around a grin. “Well, maybe not. She does seem to like you an awful lot.”  


“Oh yeah?” He laughs.  


“She calls you ‘Lovely Finn.’ It’s so annoying.”  


“I bet.” He scrunches his nose at her, delighted. If he’s managed to get one of the Earl women to like him, hopefully odds are good for the other.  
Rae rolls her eyes, but she scrunches her nose back. He kisses her again, leaning in a little more this time, letting it linger. Rae melts, her body sinking into him deliciously, one of her legs slipping over one of his. She makes a small, breathy noise, and he presses harder into the kiss for just a minute before pulling away.  


She’s pouting when he opens his eyes, and God it’s so good, feels so good to be lying here with her in the morning, with her obviously wanting more. Something is unfurling slowly in his chest, filling his ribcage with bright light, pressing against the boundaries of him. He rubs a thumb over her bottom lip, watching her, just looking at her. Feeling… everything.  


“Hi.” She whispers again after a couple of minutes, her face softer than he’s ever seen before.  


“You said that already.” He laughs, barely more than a gust of breath, of joy. Rae hums a noise he knows translates to fondness and leans closer into him, pressing her cheek against his chest.  


He wraps his arms around her, pulls her close, listens to her breath in the early morning stillness. He tugs a blanket over them, and the warmth of holding her like this, of being with her like this… it hurts somehow. He closes his eyes, rests his cheek against the top of her head.  


“Rae?” His voice is barely there, hardly a real sound, but pressed up against him, she hears it anyway, mumbles a reply. “I…” Unsurprisingly, words seem to skitter away, his mouth moving uselessly muselessly.  


Rae pulls back to look at him. Her eyes are tender, her lips pulled into an understanding smile. “Shh. It’s okay.”  


He shakes his head, rueful. He’s worked at them, practiced the things to say. When he’d decided to ask her to talk, he’d gone over and over what he’d say, how to make her see. He should have known he’d lose it all when the moment came.  


So instead, he cups her cheek, tangles his fingers in her hair. “Can we… try again? You and me?”  


It’s not the praises he’d practiced, not the string of things that make her beautiful, that make her her. It’s not even really a confession, he’s not even telling her about how he feels. He’s just trusting that she’ll be able to see, to feel it in the way his hands can’t stay away, the way his eyes are hopelessly caught on her.  


“Yeah.” She smiles, pulling his hand down to press a kiss to his palm. “Yeah, I really want that.”  


He closes his eyes, taking in it. The moment when he gets what he’s been all twisted up over for months. He feels full and tingly.  


“Listen, Finn…” Rae whispers, and he opens his eyes to scan her worried face. “I’m… I’m not better like I said before.” He frowns, shakes his head a little. “It’s… it’s hard. And it’s been pretty shit lately.”  


He wraps his arms tighter around her, wanting to pull her closer, wanting to help, take some of it into himself so she doesn’t have to carry it all. She gives him a tight, sad smile, meeting his eyes for just a moment before skating hers away. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to help make anything better. It takes a long moment before he can come up with a meager offering. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”  


It’s nothing short of a miracle- this seems to be the right thing to say. She lifts teary eyes to his and gives him a new smile, one he’s never seen on her before. The pressure in his chest is terrible and lovely. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was glowing too, full up of sunlight. He kisses her again, hands and fingers on her face, and though it’s meant to reassure her, the kiss shifts from tender to blazing and frantic. He has to force himself to slow down, pull back, return to gentle.  


Rae huffs a curse, her body molded completely against his. “You can’t kiss me like that, I’m trying to tell you something.”  


“Sorry.” He starts to pull away, but she keeps an arm tight around him.  


“I’m trying to say that… I’m trying.” She looks down, balls her fist in the sheet. “I… I realized something recently, and I think… I think it will help.” She nods to herself. “I think… I’m going to try and be more open, alright? And if you don’t like me, then…” She laughs. “Then you can fuck off.”  


“Don’ worry about that. There’s no chance that will happen.” He tells her firmly, catching her gaze. “No chance.”  


“You don’t know that.” It’s small, the protest, and he brushes it away with a hand.  


“I do, actually.” She looks up at him, a coy tilt to her lips. “I mean it, Rae. There’s no chance I’d ever stop liking you. I’m… I’m crazy for you. I…”  


He almost says it then, even though it’s too soon and nothing’s certain still and he feels so much that it’s all like an open gash in his skin. But he pulls it back at the last second, his uselessness with words coming in handy for once as he sputters.  


“I’ve been thinking about you non-stop since June, Rae. It gutted me when we broke up. I just… I just want this. I want you.” She signs then and he touches her face, her neck, her shoulders and arms, puts each of his fingertips against her skin. “I’m gonna try too. To tell you. Instead of just…” he gestures to his mouth and she laughs.  


“So we try.” She breathes, pressing a palm against his chest.  


“We try.” He nods.  


She gifts him the smile again then, the new one, and it’s too much for him to bear. He squeezes his eyes shut, presses his forehead against hers, shares breath back and forth. Her hands wrap in the blankets and in his hair.  


“Finn…” She breathes a plea, and he blinks back into the moment.  


“Yeah?”  


“Can we go back to kissing now?” He laughs, and she moves to press closer, bring her mouth level with his. They line up perfectly, hip to hip, chest to chest. She nips a kiss, teasing. “There are some things I think we can get started trying.”  


He stops laughing.

**Author's Note:**

> Somebody has re-watched and gotten the bug all over again! It's been two years since I've written anything, which seems crazy. I'm finding that writing is not like riding a bike, no muscle memory involved. I am learning how to do this all over again, how to love it all over again. And Finn and Rae are my very favorite sandbox to play in. Thanks for reading.


End file.
